Something that’s really common amongst us worriers and over-thinkers is that we often find uncertainty hard to cope with. We might view uncertain situations as particularly stressful, unfair or upsetting. We might try desperately to look into our crystal balls for signs of what the future holds. Will my partner leave me? Will my children grow up safe and happy? What if something awful happens to my... [fill in the blank]?
Seem familiar? People who have a low tolerance of uncertainty might show any or all of the following behaviours:
Seeking reassurance from others often and never really feeling reassured, or at least not for long (Are you ok? Are you sure you’re not angry with me?)
Trying to feel in control by relying heavily on lists (to make sure you remember everything that needs to be done and you don’t miss anything)
Trying to feel in control by double checking a lot
Finding it really hard to delegate to others
Procrastination (there are a million reasons to put off that uncertain situation)
Avoiding situations that are highly uncertain (if you don’t know the outcome, avoiding it entirely means that you don't have to face it at all)
Deliberately keeping yourself busy all day.
Many of us worry a lot as a way to try to control uncertainty. If I worry about the possible outcomes of a situation then in some way I feel as if I am protecting myself from all that can go wrong.
By worrying a lot you're trying to reduce the uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty but actually then the worry itself becomes a problem.
“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”
– Winston Churchill
The problem of course with all of this is, however hard you try to control your life and the world around you, it is impossible to make everything certain.
So how you do learn to cope with uncertainty?
You can’t make everything certain in life, but you can practice coping with uncertainty so that you learn to live comfortably with it, causing you less anxiety in the long run.
You can do this by testing out your fears on a regular basis.
One of the ways you can do this is by tracking your worries and then looking back at them to see what happened. Did that awful ‘what if’ event actually take place? In most cases it probably didn’t. And if it did, was it really as bad as you thought it would be or did you cope and live to tell the tale?
Here’s a few questions you might like to ask yourself:
What was the situation or uncertainty that you were worrying about?
What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen? (Be careful here and do this with a therapist if you know that worst case scenarios trigger your anxiety)
What actually happened?
Did the worst thing happen?
If it didn’t, how do you feel about that now?
If it did, how did you cope?
By practicing situations that cause you uncertainty you can slowly retrain yourself that uncertain situations aren’t that bad and you can cope with them better than you thought.
Start small and slowly your mind will learn to be less fearful of uncertainty. It’s like learning any new skill - little and often will get you there if you keep at it and slowly but surely you’ll find yourself able to face the bigger uncertainties in your life with a little less fear.
What about you? How have you learnt to cope with uncertainty? We’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas too!